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gaarahiden) wrote2024-02-19 12:46 am
gaarahiden) wrote2024-02-19 12:46 am
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Get Geblokkeered
Being an extrovert that no one likes is probably the hardest thing in the world. Reached out to like 6 people to hang out in the past 2 days and they all said no so I'm just looking at my shit like.. Well I can't figure out how to put a reaction image in these but you can imagine how I feel. Someone please tell me they like being around me and talking to me and that I'm not the most annoying person on earth and that you aren't secretly plotting on how to get rid of me guys haha pleaaasee. I literally can't stop crying. GOD. It has never felt like anyone has ever genuinely liked me ever in my life like I think everyone's just humouring me or putting up with me because they can't figure out how to get rid of me. None of them ever think of me or want me around they're just here because it's the right thing to do.
I'm kinda doomed to constantly be disappointed by the people I love, but also maybe I should be friends with less flaky people. Yeah that's what I need... My closest circle of irl friends are very strict about their comfortability levels which I respect but they will never in their lives try anything new with me. They act like I just asked to go skydiving because I wanted to try a new restaurant. It just makes me feel like an annoying freak. I really hate it. I want to try and go out of my way to make more friends because when I think about it I don't even have that many friends that I feel like I can reach out to when I need it. When I think about it, it's really just the sewer. I don't think I've told any of my irls anything substantial about me or my feelings for over a year now, because it honestly feels like they don't care. Like, if I told them they'd be more put off than anything. I genuinely can't imagine crying in front of them like literally no one in the friend group is open with their emotions and it just makes me ?? I feel like I'm expected to sweep all my emotions under the rug for the sake of the "perfect" friend group. I'm always doing everything I can to make sure everyone's emotions are accounted for and then they go and say the most hurtful shit ever to me. Like oh my god?? Do you even care about me even a little bit????? Should I just die??? HOLY SHIT. GOD.
My face burns when I cry and I think it might be my tretinoid.... My face has been stinging for the past 45 minutes now. Ouch.
Whateverrr moving on. I don't even want to think about 11:11 right now because if I start considering how undesirable I feel romantically I will actually spiral and crash. Anyone know how to express their emotions to a significant other without feeling like the world will come crashing down on you and she'll think you're the most annoying person on earth and you complain too much and you talk too much and no one will ever want you or want to be around you and no one has ever smiled at the thought of you because you are a plague on society and people's lives? Nobody? Ok.
So what is the worst week of a year and why is it always the week leading up to your birthday.
In other news, I can't wait to stop modelling. I love it, honestly. But I think the cons are outweighing the pros. I just hate the fact that I'm not the first authority on my body anymore. My hair has always been so personal to me, and to include something as large as a company in it is kinda making me deeply miserable. I'm not sure if I should wait the contract out or express these worries to my agent or try and break it now. I just know I won't be pursuing this. It's kind of ironic but I haven't felt beautiful since I started modelling. I've hated the way I look for so long growing up and I was just getting out of it when signing just ruined it all over again. I'm just going to start doing what I want and deal with the fallout I guess. I'm so unhappy in so many other areas I refuse to be miserable over the way I look again.
I'm kinda doomed to constantly be disappointed by the people I love, but also maybe I should be friends with less flaky people. Yeah that's what I need... My closest circle of irl friends are very strict about their comfortability levels which I respect but they will never in their lives try anything new with me. They act like I just asked to go skydiving because I wanted to try a new restaurant. It just makes me feel like an annoying freak. I really hate it. I want to try and go out of my way to make more friends because when I think about it I don't even have that many friends that I feel like I can reach out to when I need it. When I think about it, it's really just the sewer. I don't think I've told any of my irls anything substantial about me or my feelings for over a year now, because it honestly feels like they don't care. Like, if I told them they'd be more put off than anything. I genuinely can't imagine crying in front of them like literally no one in the friend group is open with their emotions and it just makes me ?? I feel like I'm expected to sweep all my emotions under the rug for the sake of the "perfect" friend group. I'm always doing everything I can to make sure everyone's emotions are accounted for and then they go and say the most hurtful shit ever to me. Like oh my god?? Do you even care about me even a little bit????? Should I just die??? HOLY SHIT. GOD.
My face burns when I cry and I think it might be my tretinoid.... My face has been stinging for the past 45 minutes now. Ouch.
Whateverrr moving on. I don't even want to think about 11:11 right now because if I start considering how undesirable I feel romantically I will actually spiral and crash. Anyone know how to express their emotions to a significant other without feeling like the world will come crashing down on you and she'll think you're the most annoying person on earth and you complain too much and you talk too much and no one will ever want you or want to be around you and no one has ever smiled at the thought of you because you are a plague on society and people's lives? Nobody? Ok.
So what is the worst week of a year and why is it always the week leading up to your birthday.
In other news, I can't wait to stop modelling. I love it, honestly. But I think the cons are outweighing the pros. I just hate the fact that I'm not the first authority on my body anymore. My hair has always been so personal to me, and to include something as large as a company in it is kinda making me deeply miserable. I'm not sure if I should wait the contract out or express these worries to my agent or try and break it now. I just know I won't be pursuing this. It's kind of ironic but I haven't felt beautiful since I started modelling. I've hated the way I look for so long growing up and I was just getting out of it when signing just ruined it all over again. I'm just going to start doing what I want and deal with the fallout I guess. I'm so unhappy in so many other areas I refuse to be miserable over the way I look again.