I don't want to earn my living

 this time, i have strongly avoided any "predictors" of how my 2025 is going to look like. no tiktok tarot readers no filters no costar predictions no astrology checking (yet) at all. i refuse to let anyone but myself tell me how my year is going to go. 2024 has knocked me down and humbled me and taught me lesson after lesson that i failed to document and internalize but not anymore! 

so here are my resolutions: 

1. i want longer hair. i also want to wear my natural hair out a lot more. unfortunately for me these two things literally cannot coexist. fortunately for me, my desire to have long hair outweighs any and all love i have for my natural hair any day. i'm going to lock my hair up in protective styles all year, but i'm still researching on which protective styles are the best for growing my hair out...  idgaf if it's vain that is my number one goal of the year.

2. i want to manage my money better. this year has taught me a lot about my spending habits and they need to change URGENTLY. i also spend more when i'm backed into a corner and i spent this whole year holding on by the skin of my teeth. i must learn to manage a crisis better and i must not spend so frivolously. if i have a problem and the only solution i can think of requires spending money i need to think of 5 more solutions.

3. i need a routine. i'm not going to the gym i know who i am. but i need some sort of routine in my life because i want to be better and you need these things. i want to wake up early and floss every day and stretch in the mornings and maybe go on walks. i am not an active person and i honestly hate it but i need to get it together if i want to keep being sexy forever. lumping this in i need to go to the doctor more often when i have concerns because i am a very often concerned person but i never do anything about it. i now realize this is literally what doctors are for.

4. i want to spend more time with my family. i realize these are the people i need to stick by me forever. i've been trying to blow up my social life all year for no reason and i was so isolated and in such a deep dark place and it did not occur to me that i could turn to my family at all. i know that they have my back and i know that they love me even if they don't always know what's best for me. it will take a lot of time and effort but i want to trust my family for these things. 

i have already achieved all my goals and my life is flourishing and beautiful. i need nothing but me and love.

EDIT: 5. STOP FLAKING

 Dreamwidth auto save is absolutely useless. What do you mean you saved my draft and it's EMPTY. Whatever. I promised I would stop journaling only at my lowest but I think I was wrong. It's so easy to forget I need to let my emotions out in a healthy way when I'm feeling good. I just went to Reddit to see if journaling only when I'm feeling like shit is bad and they said it was. Damn it. Whatever. I miss my mother and my brothers and my step dad so much. It's genuinely making me lose my mind that every single night I go to bed to a basically empty house. I haven't had a conversation with my dad in weeks. I just feel so constantly alone and miserable. I need the noise of my home, I need the comfort of knowing someone is in the room or bed across from me. I'm exhausted. I'm broke. I'm hungry. I just can't fucking win. My life has felt like that gif of Kennedy running through Silent Hill in the fog since my birthday and I don't know how to get out. On the bright side, I've just emailed a few different psychologists because I'm starting to get the feeling that getting high crying my eyes out and bashing my head against the wall multiple nights a week isn't very cute of me. 

Let's discuss something that is very cute of me: Fortnite. I just can't believe the game is this fucking fun like no one told meee I could have been a pro gamer at this shit LONG AGO. It's so embarrassing to be the first one to start playing a game and to be the worst.

This entry will be continued, I need to get my nails off TODAY.

 Being an extrovert that no one likes is probably the hardest thing in the world. Reached out to like 6 people to hang out in the past 2 days and they all said no so I'm just looking at my shit like.. Well I can't figure out how to put a reaction image in these but you can imagine how I feel. Someone please tell me they like being around me and talking to me and that I'm not the most annoying person on earth and that you aren't secretly plotting on how to get rid of me guys haha pleaaasee. I literally can't stop crying. GOD. It has never felt like anyone has ever genuinely liked me ever in my life like I think everyone's just humouring me or putting up with me because they can't figure out how to get rid of me. None of them ever think of me or want me around they're just here because it's the right thing to do. 

I'm kinda doomed to constantly be disappointed by the people I love, but also maybe I should be friends with less flaky people. Yeah that's what I need... My closest circle of irl friends are very strict about their comfortability levels which I respect but they will never in their lives try anything new with me. They act like I just asked to go skydiving because I wanted to try a new restaurant. It just makes me feel like an annoying freak. I really hate it. I want to try and go out of my way to make more friends because when I think about it I don't even have that many friends that I feel like I can reach out to when I need it. When I think about it, it's really just the sewer. I don't think I've told any of my irls anything substantial about me or my feelings for over a year now, because it honestly feels like they don't care. Like, if I told them they'd be more put off than anything. I genuinely can't imagine crying in front of them like literally no one in the friend group is open with their emotions and it just makes me ?? I feel like I'm expected to sweep all my emotions under the rug for the sake of the "perfect" friend group. I'm always doing everything I can to make sure everyone's emotions are accounted for and then they go and say the most hurtful shit ever to me. Like oh my god?? Do you even care about me even a little bit????? Should I just die??? HOLY SHIT. GOD. 

My face burns when I cry and I think it might be my tretinoid.... My face has been stinging for the past 45 minutes now. Ouch. 

Whateverrr moving on. I don't even want to think about 11:11 right now because if I start considering how undesirable I feel romantically I will actually spiral and crash. Anyone know how to express their emotions to a significant other without feeling like the world will come crashing down on you and she'll think you're the most annoying person on earth and you complain too much and you talk too much and no one will ever want you or want to be around you and no one has ever smiled at the thought of you because you are a plague on society and people's lives? Nobody? Ok. 

So what is the worst week of a year and why is it always the week leading up to your birthday. 

In other news, I can't wait to stop modelling. I love it, honestly. But I think the cons are outweighing the pros. I just hate the fact that I'm not the first authority on my body anymore. My hair has always been so personal to me, and to include something as large as a company in it is kinda making me deeply miserable. I'm not sure if I should wait the contract out or express these worries to my agent or try and break it now. I just know I won't be pursuing this. It's kind of ironic but I haven't felt beautiful since I started modelling. I've hated the way I look for so long growing up and I was just getting out of it when signing just ruined it all over again. I'm just going to start doing what I want and deal with the fallout I guess. I'm so unhappy in so many other areas I refuse to be miserable over the way I look again.

 In shocking news, I no longer want to kill myself about the whole 11:11 Hinge situation. Turns out communicating does a whole world of good! We met up on Sunday for pho and, other activities and also like EVERYTHING went wrong at her apartment it was so funny. We show up and the whole building is crowded in the lobby cus the fire alarm went off, and firefighters are there and everything but eventually it passes and while we’re making out her power goes out in her room.. We fix it and then it goes out again LMAOO. She either also did not give a fuck about me being there to witness all this or she has a really good poker face. While she was dropping me off I asked if we were seeing other people in a really awkward and roundabout way and we both settled on no. (In her words, she’s busy with school and work and not really in a place to be seeing multiple people and she just wants to see where things go…) I told her I didn’t want to get ahead of myself which was pleasing to her?? Girl, I almost killed you last week. We also had an impromptu visit yesterday and the sex was TOO loving. I got scared. Don’t kiss my forehead, I’ll block you. There’s about a 40% chance that she said I love you during frontshots but also I’m crazy. Anyways. That’s going well, I think. But I’m being real when I say I got scared like I can feel the urge to run away so strongly rn I’m like looking for something wrong with her so I can have an excuse to back off but I don’t actually WANT TO DO THAT. I’m just going to say fuck you to those feelings. 

I’m constantly on my toes in relationships, I’m always prepared for the worst. I thought this was me being cured of my delusional ways but now I always expect the worst from people. I’m always steeling myself to hear people tell me they’re leaving me. I just can’t trust people anymore. I hated how it always blindsided me when people left me in the past. It feels like I’m always running myself ragged trying to notice every little thing about people and analyze their actions so I can be able to predict when they might no longer want anything to do with me, or trying to think of ways to stop them from ever feeling that way. I would genuinely move heaven and earth if it meant I would never be hurt by someone I cared about again like I will do ANYTHING for you. How the hell did I form abandonment issues at the grown ass age of 20. So embarrassing. I would rather die than come off as clingy or dependent right now like the thought of someone thinking of me that way actually makes me sick to my stomach. AND FUCK YOU OLIVER. I don’t want to be scared of loving anymore. I know I’ll never be able to actually stop being a wholehearted lover, but what I can do is buy a gun and show up at her workplace. Anyways. 

I have been in deep, deep water with money issues these past few weeks but It’s finally looking up for me, I have an interview tomorrow hallelujah. I was actually so scared that I was cooked. It's a slow season, so no one’s really hiring but I’m still broke as hell. Fuck my manager for that also. Dreamwidth still isn’t letting me post from my laptop, but that means I can update this! I’ve been hired as a Receptionist for a Massage Spa. The pay is just as good as my Eye Clinic position (17/hr + commission vs 18/hr no commission) and I’m actually excited. Casual dress… I think.

In some scary news, I’ve just gotten my hair done which means I’m going to be painfully insecure for the next week and a half like WOW do I feel ugly right now. I know it’s not true and I just need to get used it but it’s actually killing me like I want to claw my face off and grow a new one this is so sucky. I hate transitional periods.

Grand risings readers of the gaarahiden blog! I bring you this entry from my bed, before I have to start getting ready to leave for Leduc. Some recent music discoveries are the No Ordinary Love cover by Deftones, and the album Trinity by Eartheater. 

CURRENTLY READING: 
Feed Them Silence - Lee Mandelo pg. 30 

Brilliant book, no clue where it's going to go with the whole becoming wolf thing. The main character is truly unlikable to me so far but maybe it's because I see myself in her incessant search for intimacy, and her inability to recognize the love around herself first. In this process, she seeks her own destruction. Love! 

CURRENTLY WATCHING: 

Good Will Hunting

Wonderful movie so far, I'm going to finish it when I get home to Leduc. This was the Netflix & Chill movie of choice which was a very curious decision on 11:11's part, but I can't say anything because my choice was Gone Girl.

Now, onto the serious part. Who the fuck let situationships become a thing? This isn't even a situationship, I don't think. I can actively feel myself fumbling the bag every time I hang out with her but I can't help it I get NERVOUS. I'm usually so much better at reminding myself about just how temporary and fleeting relationships like this are but I'm doing a TERRIBLE job with 11:11 (aka, St. James) I keep getting ahead of myself and imagining something great and long and beautiful with her I'M DOOMED. She has one ex and they dated for four years which when I heard that I actually almost threw up but thank you to the reasonable people in my life who reminded me that it was mostly during high school and covid. Four years at this age is just so much. I want those four years with her & I want more & I want them with her. Anyways. If she breaks things with me anytime this month I'm going to be FURIOUS. I always get worried immediately after me and a romantic interest have sex for the first time because that's prime time to figure out whether or not they just wanted me for my body. I'm going to be so terribly honest, all signs are pointing to yes for 11:11 (Lackluster texting, "sureee" to sotd playlist idea, and not even adding anything?? Yeah go to hell) I guess it just sucks because I never thought she was the kind of person to do this to anyone. Ok, so maybe I'm, getting ahead of myself and she just hasn't woken up yet.

I feel like I'm going to regret these journal entries but I'm trying to not to "borrow grief from the future" and let my anxieties cloud my approach to love anymore. Maybe that's my problem. I can so easily see into the future of my relationships with people and know the problems we are bound to have. Then I just make myself sicker and sicker until I leave because I can't handle the stress of a possible heartbreak. Oh I'm awful. 


School starts tomorrow! Not quite sure how I feel about all my classes being online, but I'm gonna try and make it to campus as often as possible so I don't end up killing myself by April. One of my professors emailed everyone Saturday at like 8pm telling us about a 40 page reading we had to finish before Monday, so basically. I'm dropping out. WHO DOES THAT?? It's just such twisted and psychotic behaviour from a professor. 
 

I think I'm extra worried about 11:11 because I just want this year to go right, and if it starts with me being fucked and dumped on my ass I fear we're in for it this 2024. 


Also, I've been feeling SOOOO ugly recently, like it's awful. I probably am the best I've ever looked because my skin is clear, and my body is ... not making me want to throw up. But I can't help it. Maybe it's because I've cut off all my usual forms of reassurance (dating apps, and hoes). I'm hoping the new hairstyle will not make me want to rip the skin off my face but we'll see I guess. 

3:50 PM UPDATE: Yeah, the answer is suicide.